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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26198722">I couldn't utter my love when it counted (Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullsizecandy/pseuds/Fullsizecandy'>Fullsizecandy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rare is this love [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lucifer (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s03e20 The Angel of San Bernardino, Episode: s03e21 Anything Pierce Can Do I Can Do Better, Episode: s03e22 All Hands On Decker, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Beta, Song Lyrics, Song fic, anyway i have an obsession but i swear im almost done, can i tag hozier in this?, how do I even tag this, hozier is deckerstar soundtrack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:07:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,682</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26198722</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fullsizecandy/pseuds/Fullsizecandy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Things have been going well. Great even. So of course, Lucifer decided to have a mental breakdown because Chloe couldn't have one month of peace and quiet.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rare is this love [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1852087</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I couldn't utter my love when it counted (Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! As always, English is not my first language and I have no beta (but if someone would be so kind, please raise your hand!!) so any mistakes are my own. <br/>There's a bunch of Hozier songs in this: "Jackie and Wilson" is the first one. Then in the notebook, we have: "work song" (because I think it's a beautiful song but it's hard to fit it canon-wise), "Foreigner's God" (just listen to the whole song and tell me that it doesn't fit perfectly with God Johnson episode, I dare you), "Would that I" (I have listened to that one on repeat for about a month now) and "Shrike". When it comes to Shrike I strongly recommend going on genius website and finding a comment written by eodctor. It is a beautifully written interpretation of the song that just hits all the right spots and that's exactly what I had in mind while using this song in the deckerstar scenario. <br/>Also, thank you to everyone who already read some of the parts of this series and I swear, I'm almost done with my little obsession. <br/>I only have some more ideas for the season 4 and then I'm steering off from canon a little bit (but not too much) and putting my own spin since the idea was born before season 5 came out. <br/>Anyway, sorry for the rant, thanks for reading and if anyone wants to talk, to tumblr is @fullsizecandy</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>        Chloe was sure Lucifer Morningstar was put on Earth to torture her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had no idea what she'd done in her past life to deserve this, but it must've had been dreadful since she was being tortured by the presence of a man claiming to be the Devil.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe was slowly getting her life together. Things have been going well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was dating Marcus, her first serious relationship after the divorce with Dan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the "Lucifer disaster" as she was calling their almost hook up in her mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was good. Pierce was a kind, calm, dependable man. Nothing like Lucifer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could count on him and she even hoped, that with time, he could be a good role model for Trixie. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Things have been going well. Great even. So of course, Lucifer decided to have a mental breakdown because Chloe couldn't have one month of peace and quiet. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>        It started with Lucifer not sleeping. She knew he hasn't been feeling well and if she was honest with herself, she should've been paying closer attention to her partner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she was happy and let it slip her mind, thinking it was one of his little antics. She was busy with happiness, letting herself be embraced by the idea that not everything had to be so damn difficult all the time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Being with Marcus was <em>easy</em>. She craved that simpleness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought that the last time she'd seen him in such bad shape was when his brother had died. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She remembered vividly his haunted eyes and scattered words, singing quietly to her on the balcony. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was one of the memories she locked away, deep down in her mind, only reminiscing when she knew she was alone for the night. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> She tried to talk to him, figure out what was wrong with him, but the only explanation he could offer was some lunatic talking about him being the actual Angel of San Bernardino and then breaking down and yelling that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>couldn't </span>
  </em>
  <span>sleep. It clicked, right then, that she was the one to give him the idea of staying up and she felt guilt creeping in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Somewhere in her subconscious, she had a selfish thought that maybe, just maybe, he was acting the way he was because he was jealous. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let herself dream, just for one second, that this would be the time when he'd act like an adult, tell her what he felt, that he'd </span>
  <em>
    <span>try</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he didn't. Lucifer choked on his words, just like she expected him to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What she didn't expect was for her to almost confess to him that she loved Marcus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn't explain it, but for some reason, it almost felt like cheating- to tell him that she loved another man. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words died in her throat and they stood in silence until she felt there was nothing more to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wouldn't budge. He looked at her with those broken, brown eyes and a heartbreak painting on his face but still. Still, he wouldn't say the words she needed to hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She left him in the interrogation room, feeling there was nothing else they could say to each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> What was the point of a self-inflicted heartbreak, anyway?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>      The next time she saw him, he looked even worse, his clothes disheveled, a manic look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> They had a case and even though she knew he needed the sleep and she was probably the last person he wanted to see, she quietly hoped that solving a mystery would make him feel better. After all, he always used their cases to work through his own issues. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ella was with her, oblivious as always, just thinking Lucifer needed a little love and attention.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Chlo, that guy has been in love with you since I can remember," she said while getting out of Chloe's car. "Of course he's a little bummed out about you and Pierce."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe just sighed, playing with her car keys. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"For the last time, Ella. He's not in love with me. He's been having issues with insomnia, that's all." She nodded to the security guy who let them through. There was no line yet. " I just want to know if he's good enough to help us with this case or if he wants to be left alone. If he picked up his phone like a normal person, we wouldn't have to be here."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Come on, Chlo. We both know you can do this without him. You're just worried." The short woman looked at her with amusement in her eyes and Chloe decided not to say anything further. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walked into Lux and the sound of drums filled both of their ears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No, no, no! Again!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucifer was standing in the middle of his club, a glass in one hand, the other one waving frantically. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lux was almost empty, just a few guests sitting on the couches, not even dressed in their normal evening attires. Lucifer was scolding a band and Chloe recognized them from one of the nights they performed with Lucifer. It seemed they worked out a deal and were asked to play again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn't realize they were there right away, deep into explaining exactly what he wanted from the band, impatiently taking the guitar away from one of the men to show him one of the riffs he meant. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An image popped into Chloe's head and she realized that the last time she saw him holding a guitar, he was playing for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was singing her love songs, intricate and intimate, sharing all of his feelings, leaving them out in the open but webbed in metaphors. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But that wasn't what you wanted, she reminded herself. You wanted safe and dependable, something whispered in her. And </span>
  <em>
    <span>boring</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Ah! Ms. Lopez!" he finally recognized them. "Detective."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That didn't sound right. He never said her title that way. So cold, like it didn't mean anything. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It always meant </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I wasn't expecting you here!" he exclaimed, forgetting about the band for a bit. "Oh, but it's perfect! Ms. Lopez!" he grabbed Ella's hand and pulled her to his side, embracing her. Ella looked overjoyed, it was rare for Lucifer to let her hug him, let alone initiate it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I seem to remember that I've promised you a love song. Have I ever delivered?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Lucifer." Chloe interrupted him softly. "Have you slept at all?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn't even look at her, just waved his hand dismissively, focusing on Ella. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I wouldn't say no to a song, Luce... ifer." For someone so amazing at finding details at every crime scene, Ella was oblivious to social situations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Amazing! We were just practicing the song for tonight's set. Let me dazzle you, Ms. Lopez!"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was all over the place, his eyes never resting on one thing for longer than a few seconds. Chloe knew that he was overstimulating himself, just so he wouldn't fall asleep and she had no idea how to help. Should she call Linda? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Come on, boys! Let's try one more time, shall we?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe sighed, knowing that if he started, she'd just have to sit through his performance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"And so he breaks into a song..." she muttered to herself and sat down in one of the sofas. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ella was still standing with Lucifer with his arm casually thrown over her shoulders. They were walking around and Lucifer started singing, casually, as if they were conversing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"<em>So tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes, No better version of me I could pretend to be tonight</em>." He was moving his hands around as if he was explaining his recent behavior.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"<em>Soul deep in this swill with the most familiar of swine for reasons wretched and divine</em>." He bowed a little to the guests sitting in booths and she couldn't help but snort quietly. Only Lucifer could call other people pigs in a song and no one would bat an eye, all of them entranced with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"She blows out of nowhere, a roman candle of the wild Laughing her way through my feeble disguise. </em>
  <span><em>No other version of me I would rather be tonight And Lord, she found me just in time.</em>" He finally looked at her, briefly and she saw his gaze soften. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt the <em>hate</em> brimming under her skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wished that just once he would actually talk to her. She appreciated the songs but she was an adult. They both were. They should be able to have a normal conversation without her losing sleep and trying to analyze every little lyric coming out of his mouth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"'<em>Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done I need to be youthfully felt 'cause, God, I never felt young.</em>" He wrapped himself behind Ella and swayed both of them to the rhythm. Ella giggled and Chloe calmed down a bit, seeing how pleased the girl was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"She's gonna save me, call me baby run her hands through my hair. She'll know me crazy, soothe me daily Better yet, she wouldn't care.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We'll steal a Lexus, be detectives Ride 'round picking up clues. We'll name our children Jackie and Wilson Raise 'em on rhythm and blues." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> They were both dancing around each other, moving in circles, and bobbing their heads. She saw Ella stumble when he sang the line about </span>
  <em>
    <span>detectives</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Chloe caught her eyes and just shrugged. They would talk about it later and she knew Ella would try to convince her that he was professing his love or something equally ridiculous. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucifer pulled Ella into the booth and the women sitting there hurried to create more space for them to sit down. Lucifer relaxed against his seat, his arm still around the lab tech. He raised one hand as if to paint a picture for them to imagine. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>" Lord, it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometime Me and my Isis growing black irises in the sunshine. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside We'd sit back and watch the world go by."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her phone buzzed in her pocket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn't want to stop looking at Lucifer, even though she was still mad at him, but she reminded herself that she was the responsible one and they still had a case. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>From: <strong>Marcus Pierce</strong></span>
</p><p>
  <em>new lead </em>
</p><p>
  <em>where are you?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked up and saw that Lucifer's eyes were on her, his face stone cold, almost like he knew who texted her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She suddenly felt exhausted. She was a grown-up woman, a detective, there were murders to solve and she was sitting in a nightclub in the middle of the day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gathered her things and prepared herself to leave. Lucifer nodded his head towards Ella and quickly whispered something to her, while the band kept playing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman almost ran to her with a spark in her eyes and blushed cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What's up?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Got a new lead. Lucifer is clearly fine and preoccupied, so... let's go."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She could see that Ella was disappointed but there was nothing she could do about that. They had a job to do. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walked towards the staircase and Lucifer continued singing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Cut clean from the dream that night, let my mind reset Looking up from a cigarette, she's already left.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I start digging up the yard for what's left of me in our little vignette For whatever poor soul is coming next." </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She caught a glimpse of him pulling someone else and spinning them around to the chorus. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They both made their choices and Chloe, trying to convince herself that she made the right one, left and drove to the precinct. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>     He stopped singing for her after that last night. Not even humming during their cases or at the precinct. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tried to convince herself that she was relieved. He wasn't showering her with metaphors and instead of spending her nights deciphering hidden messages, she was enjoying herself with a glass of wine and some peace and quiet. Somewhere in her was hope that he'd stopped singing because he would gather the courage to act like an adult for once and talk to her. Maybe even tell her what she was suspecting for a while now. But of course, since it was Lucifer, that never happened. Instead, they had the prima ballerina case and Lucifer got involved in a self-proclaimed pissing contest to somehow win her over. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn't even really notice it at first, took it as one of the weird things Lucifer did regularly, but when he tossed the car keys and she caught them, she finally connected the pieces of the puzzle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Wait, do you think this is some sort of competition?", she asked, honestly surprised that he would go so far but wouldn't actually talk to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Of course, if it isn't painfully obvious. Anything Pierce can do, I can do better."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She just sighed, not knowing how to make him realize that this was not what she wanted. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marcus's gifts were thoughtful, trying to win her forgiveness. Lucifer was just throwing money around, getting her expensive things. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It's not about stuff, Lucifer."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that second it seemed like the right thing to say, but sometimes she forgot that with Lucifer, she had to be as clear as she could. Otherwise, he would just take her words and twist them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He gave her a performance on how perfectly he could do that when they met in the apartment. Somehow, the way he was completely misreading the scene made a complete sense to her. That's just how he was. Seeing something obvious and putting his own spin on it. She sometimes wondered where he got that from. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>How was it possible that he managed to do the perfect thing the worst way possible?, she thought when she showed up at his penthouse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You did all fo this to show up Pierce?" it was impossible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why was he doing this to her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He asked him that. And then more questions followed. She was so tired of toying the line, of not talking about them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucifer was truly infuriating. He didn't want to be with her, he proved it when he went and got married, when he pushed her away, time after time again. Still, there he was, sitting across from her, talking about how Marcus didn't deserve her, and she should be with someone better. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wouldn't say his own name. Chloe knew he didn't think he was worthy of being with her, he wasn't someone better. She couldn't live like that though. With Lucifer hanging above her head, giving her all those little signs but refusing to be hers. She couldn't handle it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You can't have it both ways, Lucifer." she told him. There was so much more she wanted to say, but she realized he wouldn't understand it. He couldn't act as if she was his and he was hers and then not follow through with it. It was too much for her. She wasn't sixteen anymore, playing the "will they, won't they?" game. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She had Trixie, her whole life, her career. She needed someone who'd respect that, who would be there for her. Someone she could depend on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>     Chloe thought that God was playing with her sometimes. So many of their cases bore resemblance to their own issues and the conversations they'd have with the victims or assailants felt like they should happen between Chloe and Lucifer.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She went back to the precinct and then back home. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She felt as if the day was dragging on for a week, so much had happened. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dan had Trixie for the night and she was glad to have the apartment to herself. She wanted nothing more than to take off her clothes, take a relaxing bath, maybe drink a whole bottle of wine in the meantime. Anything to relax and not think about Lucifer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a box on the table, one that she didn't recognize. It wasn't there when she left for work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe Maze left something for her? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walked to the table and sat down on the couch. A note was laying on the box and she took it in her hands, opening it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Detective </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I know you don't want more gifts and my previous attempts had the opposite effect. I hope you will find it in you to forgive me for this one too. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Lucifer" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She scoffed. Of course, another gift from Lucifer. Probably diamonds or something extravagant. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>She was wrong. She opened the box and found a notebook and an old fashioned CD inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The notebook looked worn out as if it had been used for a long time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe's gaze skimmed the pages and recognized Lucifer's handwriting. Did he give her his journal?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some pages had stains on them and she was sure that was the reason why the notebook smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She opened it on the first page and tried to figure out what she was looking at. Poems? Songs? His own thoughts?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Some words were crossed off or completely blacked out but she managed to read most of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>There's nothin' sweeter than my baby</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd never want once from the cherry tree</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'Cause my baby's sweet as can be</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She gives me toothaches just from kissin' me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She could feel her cheeks heating up. He gave her the rest of the songs. Songs for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Next to the lyrics, on the right side, Lucifer had written Chloe has a sweet tooth, coffee with extra caramel drizzle always </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>My babe would never fret none</em>
</p><p>
  <em>About what my hands and my body done</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If the Lord don't forgive me </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me</em>
</p><p>
  <span>                                           <em>  she makes me feel better than heaven ever did </em></span>
</p><p>
  <em>When I was kissin' on my baby</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And she'd put her love down, soft and sweet</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the low lamplight, I was free</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Heaven and hell were words to me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She read every single page and it was like glimpsing into Lucifer's mind. Next to almost every lyric was an almost explanatory note and she gasped when she realized what he was doing. He was trying to be as open with his feelings, as he could. Not talking, but giving her everything she needed to understand each song he ever sang. This was his way of being vulnerable, saying <em>Detective, this is my mind and my thoughts, this is what I think about when I write songs. When I write songs about you. </em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only metaphor he was still using while writing was his whole Devil shtick and God being his Dad. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>This one's for piano, I think</em> Lucifer wrote.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>I really thought it was Dad. He knew my name</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The detective was there and </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>She moved with shameless wonder</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The perfect creature rarely seen</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Since some liar brought the thunder</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When the land was godless and free</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Her eyes look sharp and steady</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Into the empty parts of me</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But still, my heart is heavy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With the hate of some other man's beliefs</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Here's one for you, Dad. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Always a well-dressed fraud</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who wouldn't spare the rod</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Never for me</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Next, she read the song he sang to her on her birthday and found out it was called "Cherry Wine". She was surprised because it dawned on her that the lyrics made it sound like the relationship was abusive. Was that how Lucifer was seeing them? Was he settling for any sign of kindness she offered and blindly accepting everything else? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at the CD and saw the title on it, so making a logical decision, she flipped the pages until she was at the end of the notebook to see if it was the last song. She'd never heard that one either. Lucifer didn't get her a CD player but he knew her and her love for the 90's well. She already had a player in her room, still buying and listening to CDs, instead of having everything saved on her phone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This one was written differently, she noticed after she walked into her room and put the CD in, sitting next to it on the floor. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Linda claims my songs are too intricate. I agree that I could be more clear on some things, but it's poetry. Analyzing it is deeply personal and intimate. I would never force upon you my own interpretation. However, I agree with the notion that you could use some context. Here it is then:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have never been ashamed of my past endeavors and I had quite a bit of them. I have lived a long life content, not missing much. On my bad days, I miss Heaven and my siblings (some of them though I would never say it aloud). </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have never been able to sustain a longlasting relationship, mostly because I have never felt the need to. I've surrounded myself with a forest of bodies, keeping me warm whenever I felt the loneliness, the coldness set in. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You, Chloe, are the fire. You incinerated every single tree that I had ever looked for comfort under. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Most of the religions are pretty damn wrong about the Devil, but in every legend, there is a grain of truth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have always been drawn to the fire. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She read it over three times before she pressed play on the player. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was the best explanation she'd ever gotten from him. It was a love confession without using the word "love", an explanation for his behavior. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath and flipped the page. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"True that I saw her hair like the branch of a tree </span>
  <span>A willow dancing on air before covering me </span>
  <span>Under cotton and calicoes </span>
  <span>Over canopy dappled long ago</span>
</p><p>
  <span>True that love in withdrawal was the weepin' of me </span>
  <span>That the sound of the saw must be known by the tree </span>
  <span>Must be felled for to fight the cold</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fretted fire but that was long ago" Lucifer's voice and a gentle sound of a guitar filled her bedroom and for a second, Chloe was amused by the fact that Lucifer went out of his way to find a studio and record himself singing. It sounded too professional for him to just record it himself. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was the first time she really <em>understood</em>. She understood the metaphor used in the song and instead of guessing, she could just focus on what he was trying to tell her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It's not tonight where I'm set alight  </span>
  <span>And I blink in sight of your blinding light </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, it's not tonight where you hold me tight and the fire bright  </span>
  <span>Oh, let it blaze alright </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But you're good to me, oh, you're good to me </span>
  <span>Oh, but that you're good to me baby"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first "it's not tonight" made her feel like her heart was about to burst, there was so much emotion in his voice. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucifer drew doodles on the page. Forest, scorched by the fire. Someone's face in the flames. She thought it had some resemblance to hers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"With the roar of the fire, my heart rose to its feet </span>
  <span>Like the ashes of ash, I saw rise in the heat</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Settled soft and as pure as snow </span>
  <span>I fell in love with the fire long ago</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With each love I cut loose, I was never the same </span>
  <span>Watching still-living roots be consumed by the flame</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I was fixed on your hand of gold </span>
  <span>Layin' waste to my lovin' long ago"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh. She knew what he meant. It was a love poem and there was something deeply intimate in knowing exactly why he was using those symbols. It seemed almost too personal to be reading and hearing him now that she knew it was for her and that he was <em>serenading her</em>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So in awe, there I stood as you licked off the grain </span>
  <span>Though I've handled the wood, I still worship the flame</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As long as amber of ember glows </span>
  <span>All the "would" that I'd loved is long ago"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Would that be enough for her? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had to admit the song was beautiful and no one ever did anything remotely as romantic for her. But could she have a relationship with Lucifer?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The damaged, broken man with delusions, and trust issues?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Could she raise her daughter and be with a man like that, knowing that the clear lack of knowledge about healthy communication would cause so many issues?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought about Trixie and how she already lived through too much than she should at her young age. What her daughter needed was stability, to be able to depend on someone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She turned off the player when the song ended and hid the journal in her underwear drawer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was deep in her thoughts when someone knocked and she thought for a second that it was Lucifer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was greeted by Marcus's face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was a good man. She could do this. He was exactly what she and her daughter needed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So when he got on one knee and proposed, she shut down every thought of Lucifer and said <em>yes</em>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>     It worked until her bachelorette party happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the conversation with the driver, the lady asked her:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So where do you want me to drop you off?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought about going home but then realized she didn't want to be alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not really knowing what to do, she texted Dan to take her mind of the wedding and the stress. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>are you done with the case?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Dan</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>yeah</em>
</p><p>
  <em>ill tell you about it tomorrow</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Can you take me to Lux?" she asked and the driver drove faster.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a minute her phone buzzed again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Dan</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Lucifer did pretty well today</em>
</p><p>
  <em>you taught him good</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She couldn't marry Marcus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knew that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If the first person she thought about seeing when she was upset was Lucifer... How could she marry <em>another</em> man then?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The line was shorter than usual and she overheard some girls, looking barely legal, talking while waiting to be let in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"My friend texted me earlier. Apparently, he's playing sappy, sad music all the time and no one actually is having fun."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Good. Means he might need some cheering up." She waggled her brows and the other girl laughed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walked in, skipping the line, and immediately realized that they were right. The club was not even half as full as it should be and the only thing that could be heard was a guitar playing. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chloe didn't want Lucifer to see her, so she stopped at the end of the stairs, hidden from his gaze, but close enough so she could watch him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>"I couldn't utter my love when it counted. Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now. And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted. Ah, but I'm singing like a bird 'bout it now"</em> his voice was soft, still, everyone in the club could hear him. He didn't even use a microphone this time, instead, he was sitting at the bar, not even paying attention to people inside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She realized that the only reason why he was signing down there and not in his penthouse, was because he didn't want to be alone. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucifer feared of being lonely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She listened to the song for a bit, realizing that it was a new one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even when she wasn't with him, he was singing about her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"I was housed by your warmth, thus transformed by your grounded and giving And darkening scorn. Remember me, love, when I'm reborn As the shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She fled before he could see her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a made-up mind, she called a cab and went back home, knowing it was time to call off the engagement. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. She couldn't marry another man while being in love with someone else. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While being in love with Lucifer. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was a thing to freak out over another day. Tonight, she had an engagement to cancel, a heart to break and tomorrow, hopefully, she had a relationship with her <em>partner</em> to fix. </span>
</p>
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